you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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