The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
