He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
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