It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
