i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
