A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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