This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
