I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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