WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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