apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize