hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize