Well douche your snatch and let's go!
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
