JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
