be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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