Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
