i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize