I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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