party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
