I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
another moral hangover. fuck.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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