god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
