We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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