im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
