After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
