You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
