you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize