I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
