for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
