Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
