dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
