I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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