She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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