New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
