mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
