This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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