in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
