clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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