i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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