how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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