A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
