4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
