I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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