How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
