I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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