i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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