our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
