Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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