He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
