Where did you get a picture of my penis
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
