He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
