Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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