Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize