Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
