: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
