Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
