just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
