On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
