I haven't been this sober since birth.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
