It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
