Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
